I'm typing these words from inside one of the coolest apartments I've ever seen, smack in the center of New York City, for which I am very grateful. I'm staying with a friend/client whom I used to train when I lived here in New York, a little over a 2 years ago. He has a library, like an entire room, full of books, with a sleeping loft built into ceiling. A sliding ladder, like the kind you see in the movies, provides access to the bed along with the many shelves of books. Aside from the busy city outside, the stories within these books have been my friends during this trip. They are constant reminders that stories can be shared and bring enough value to someone to line the walls of their home in a city as crowded as Manhattan.
I've only been here for 5 days but it feels like much longer. I came to connect with my new modeling agency, Wilhelmina, which so far, has been a great success. The last time I came to New York, I suffered. A lot. I remember standing on the edge of the subway platform feeling completely empty. My emotional pain manifested physically in my body and I curled down into a little ball, which probably saved me from jumping in front of the oncoming train.
Maintaining my mental health has been the biggest challenge of my entire life, from childhood all the way up until now. I'm 31 years old and still often feel like a lost kid that tethers his worth to external sources. I'm in love with someone who won't speak to me and I pray everyday for peace. Being in a city filled with memories makes the whole process of letting go that much more challenging. I did the best I could with the operating system I was working with, and I'm still doing the best I can with the system I have now- handling one day at a time.
I want to do better. For my future partner, for myself, and for anyone out there that struggles with keeping their light alive. It's a battle everyday. When I moved away from this city, and from this life that had been given to me but not earned, I did so because I thought I had to do everything on my own. And now that I'm on my own, I want it all back. The comfort, the ease, the lack of responsibility-- but I know I don't deserve it. I know that I am being challenged because it's what is necessary for the evolution of my consciousness.
I've been writing everyday for the past 8 years. Morning pages as Julia Cameron calls them. They've always been just for me, or for anyone who happens to pick up and look through my journals... mistakes were made, and I'm doing my best to see them all as lessons. I've grown a great deal and that growth never stops. There is no finish line. There is is no definitive line that slices through success/failure.
I dream of a home on a lake, a family- a wife, a daughter, and dogs... so many dogs, running everywhere... I'm not there yet. I have one dog and she is enough for me right now. And there is only now. I have faith in a higher power that is guiding me in the right direction, towards that sense of home internally, that can then be shared and manifested externally. And writing these words... fills me with emotion.... and I start to cry, but not tears of sadness--water from the source that gives my life purpose.
That home, will be built on movement- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, cultural- that comes from a reluctant hero who has to show up for himself before he can show up for anyone else. I think I just decided I'd like to build it myself-- haha, one more giant task to add to the list. To you the reader, the human, the hero in training, whether you are in a wonderful place in your life or your struggling to find your footing, count your blessings everyday. Be thankful for all that you have, because it may not be there tomorrow.
We are human, our ego often gets the better of us--you'll take your loves for granted, because you are imperfect, you are human. Strive to be a better human. The people in your life, that you call heroes- your family, your partner, your pet. Be the hero for them as much as you can, because they deserve it. They deserve all the love that you can shower them with, so they can blossom, and flourish, and spill love on everything they touch. See them with more than your eyes, kiss them with more than your lips, tell them they are beautiful, listen to them with your whole body, and hold them up with a strength you didn't believe you had.