January 29th 2018
Sometimes I wonder if the words I write are too heavy. ZEROTalk, we'll call them. A voice that sounds like whining, or complaining, and I worry if it comes across like I believe my suffering is more important than the suffering of others. I consider taking the words down, because they no longer feel authentic to who I am in this new moment. This push/pull is one of the many challenges of controlling a mind that fluctuates between feeling completely worthless and overwhelmingly inspired.
Today I severed tethers that kept me attached to an dead shadow of myself. One of the long lost hotel rooms filled with stagnant memories, one of the dusty valleys of the Wasteland- a symbiosis of past regret and raging mindlessness. We talk about mindfullness a lot, but what about mindlessness-- when your mind becomes a ravenous devourer of all the good that can be good in the present moment. I call this ZERO, this mindlessness, this lack of control, and unfortunately that is usually my default.
But not today... today was a good day. And it started with movement. Good days usually start with movement, and now it ends with these words. For lunch, I had a hearty sandwich of HeroTalk, with a filling of inspiring people and conversation. I realize now, this entire day was a day of self-care. I relinquished my hold on people that were no longer mine to hold. Not because I don't love them anymore, but because I do love them. Then I found myself on my knees, praying in a church. And I cried.
I cried for myself. I cried for the woman in front of me, shaking her head from side to side. I cried for the men in the pews behind me. I cried for everyone in the church, sitting there, searching for something, that something that initially pulled them through the threshold- to question, to seek, and to bow to a power that is greater than themselves. I cried for everyone that will never make it into a church, or onto their knees, humbly asking for help. And that release became prayer. Prayers for peace. Prayers for abundance. Prayers for courage. Prayers for kindness. And most importantly, prayers for love, for all.
Surround yourself with people that inspire you and care for you. They don't have to shower you with love, they don't have to tell you that you're great, or pretty, or smart-- they simply just want to see you thrive. In fact, they less they compliment you the better. Those that truly care for you...give it to you straight, they don't sugar coat shit, and they put you in touch with your intuition and whats best for you (just sometimes you need that friend to listen and bounce what you already know back at you.)
Now, its time to shower, and meditate, and set myself up for another positive day with as little influence from ZERO as possible. To the HumanHeroes that showed up for me today, thank you. To those kind teachers that showed me the door to a better version of myself, thank you. Teacher and hero, one and the same. Rest well all.