It's 9:41PM on a Tuesday night and I'm tired as fuck.
Yet, here I am, compelled to write.
I think I've finally accepted complete responsibility for where I am in my life, my choices, my actions. Up until a few weeks ago, maybe even a few days, I believed I could return to a previous life- if I only believed it hard enough. I believed I could run back into the arms of someone who closed themselves off to me before I was even gone. I was holding on to hope when there was no hope present. And it was slowly killing me.
I gave away my power- putting way too much of my energy into a past that no longer exists.
Books, articles, google, etc.... all say this is the last stage of grief.
It's a feeling that is equally terrifying as it is exciting. It means there is no going back. It means the only way is forward. And it's going to be tough, but it can't be worse than living in the past, where there is absolutely no room for growth.
I am being challenged. Modeling jobs are less frequent than ever before. "Free time" to work on HumanHero is now a precious commodity- in between teaching, training, caring for Yaya, and everything else involved in maintaining a home as a single adult man.
The best part, is that these words are not spilling forth as complaints. With my acceptance of the present, comes an acceptance of my faith. It feels like reconnecting with a family member that has passed away. My faith in myself partnered with my faith in a higher power is all I need. This challenge is being presented to me because it's part of my journey.
I can hear my neighbors outside, laughing, probably drunk on wine and beer. At 31, I'm one of the younger people living in this complex. Most of them are retired, or have online businesses, or just... have... money, somehow. There existence here in Miami seems to be one long vacation.
Yet I am not envious... this moment in my life is primed for exponential growth. That growth will not come unless partnered with action, and hardship, and decisions, and failures, and movement, and a fuck load of hard work.
I'm ready for it. How do I know that? Because I have to be, because I MUST be, because no one else is going to do it for me. HumanHero isn't about me, HumanHero is about Us. These are steps we all must take to get to the next level. Before, what seemed like taking a step backward, I now understand as a massive jump forward. Writing, creating, teaching, training, saying yes to opportunities that scare the shit out of me... that is growth. Leaving a relationship that was unhealthy is growth. Putting these words out into the universe, giving zero fucks about how they are received, is growth.
So when I do have those precious moments to create, to share, to connect with the higher power.... I will do so with more energy, and appreciation, and love than ever before. I truly believe that MOVING in the direction of your dreams, MOVING on after what at first felt like failure, MOVING from self-loathing to self-love....
Its all good
its all growth.
So no matter what life throws your way....
Keep your chin up,
keep faith alive,
always keep moving.