I don't have a title for this post yet.
I'm feeling drained. Like the hands of god just picked me up and wrung me out like a sweaty gym towel. Stress is pouring out of me from every pore of my skin.
My sleep has been all out of whack. I wake up, I roll around, I think about my ex, I think about my life, I think about what I want, what I don't want, and I spiral down until I'm flippin' through photos of who knows what on instagram.
This morning however, I began my meditation practice with zivaMIND.
I don't think meditation is going to wash over me the same way a natural high does, like from exercise or sex, and I definitely doesn't feel like a high from recreational drugs. If anything, it feels more like the come down.
The purging of thoughts and ideas on what my life is supposed to look like, as I'm still putting myself in front of the things that I want to remove from my scope.
It's a challenge.
On social media, I think we are always putting our "best" foot forward. Or the foot that the world wants to see. For me, I'm not even fucking sure what that is. Do people want to see a picture of me half-naked, all the time? Do people want to see me exercising, trying to share the knowledge I've accumulated over the years? I don't know my audience, and I'm trying to reach them.
Ultimately, I know I need to connect with myself, much more than I have in the past. There is no past. There is no future. There is now. And now is happening in real time.
These words are for me, and anyone that might connect with them. Life might genuinely feel like it sucks, but it really doesn't. That is only one perspective.
I didn't do my morning pages today. I guess these are my morning pages today. Afternoon-wake-up-at-930-zombie-man-boy-human-hybrid pages. Today, is a day of rest. This meditation really did smack the shit out of me. Now, the real question is, what am I going to do with this space that I'm creating?
Fill it with someone else, a person, a body, a face, a feeling. Or let the exorcism keep on coming, dealing with it in real time? Or maybe try to fight through the blocks that Nik put up, the confusion, the anger, the loss, the walls that I've built around both of us.
I envision myself shouting from my castle, far across a dark and murky moat, expecting her to hear me high up in her own castle. Years spent, building walls, to protect ourselves. From the world outside, from the ones that came before us, from each other. She can't hear me. I can barely hear me. And I shouldn't be speaking until I'm clear in what it is I have to say.
I don't feel like anyone really knows me. I love to move, yes.
I want to be moved to love.
I know I'm getting closer but right now it feels like the opposite. Cutbacks on the trail of life. You've gotta go down to go up. Down I go.